The Automotive Obfucation
by LZ1982
Summary: The gang becomes understandably suspicious when Amy asks for Sheldon's help fixing her car. Shamy-focused oneshot, but definitely an ensemble fic. No real spoilers but inspired by what's going on in Season 7 so far.


**Author's Note: **A big THANK YOU to everyone who read and reviewed my last fic, "The Sartorial Implication." I hope this one entertains as well!

The only reason Raj isn't in this fic is because it's really hard to write dialogue for seven characters in one scene, and I thought it worked better with just the couples. Sorry, Raj!

* * *

Sheldon and Amy, Leonard and Penny, and Howard and Bernadette were spending Saturday night playing board games at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.

"I hate playing Scrabble with you people," Penny complained. "You just make up words!"

"You can check the dictionary," Sheldon said. "All the words are in there."

"Eh." Penny waved her hand. "Whatever. There's _way_ too many words on that board for me to check all of them."

"Wow. With that kind of motivation and stick-to-itiveness, I can't believe you're still a waitress."

"Uh—Sheldon?" Amy interrupted. "It's getting late—I should probably go home."

"Oh," Sheldon said. "All right."

"As I mentioned earlier," Amy said, "I've been having car trouble. Maybe you could...come downstairs and take a look with me?"

Sheldon didn't seem surprised by this request. "Certainly."

"Don't you think someone more qualified should look at it?" Howard asked. "Like a mechanic, or…one of your monkeys?"

"Oh, well," Amy said, "my cell phone isn't working, so…if the car _does_ need a mechanic, Sheldon can call one from downstairs."

Leonard shrugged. "Or you could just come upstairs to use the phone."

"Come on, Sheldon!" Amy said quickly, standing up and beckoning Sheldon out the door.

Sheldon shook his head. "Broken car, broken cell phone…the poor girl would just fall apart without me." He followed Amy outside.

Leonard waited a few seconds after they had left, then said, "What the _hell_?"

Penny ran to the door and checked to make sure Amy and Sheldon had actually gone downstairs. "Oh, " she said, turning back to the room, "he's not fixing her car."

"Well, I know _that_, but—wait, you're not saying—"

"Oh, yeah," Penny said. "For the past few weeks, our friends Sheldon and Amy have been…_kissing_."

"Boy," Leonard said, "I didn't think it was possible, but suddenly 'Sheldon's fixing Amy's car' seems like the most plausible explanation!"

"No, it's true," Bernadette confirmed. "Amy told us all about it." She paused, remembering. "Too _much_ about it, really. That was a _lotta_ detail."

"No," Howard said. "C'mon. _Shel_don? Are we sure this wasn't just Amy's…weird fantasy or something?"

"Yes, Howard," Penny said. "I'm sure it's all made up and Sheldon is actually replacing a tire right now."

"Apparently it started when Amy gave him an ultimatum," Bernadette said. "You know, just—hey, pal, a girl needs a kiss once in a while. So Sheldon said they could amend the relationship agreement and kiss every other date night. But then—"

"Sheldon actually _liked_ it," Penny continued. "And…Amy said he was actually _good_ at it."

Bernadette nodded grimly. "A _lotta_ detail."

"Ugh," Howard said. "Why am I hearing about this?"

"Because, buddy," Bernadette said. "_I_ gotta deal with the imagery; _you_ gotta deal with the imagery. That's how marriage works!"

"Wow. Well, OK," Leonard said. "Good for them. But…that's it, right? Just kissing?"

"Come on, Leonard," Penny said. "Sheldon wouldn't even hold hands for two years! Amy said she's fine with this for now. She just…sits on a lot of washing machines."

Howard and Leonard were still attempting to deal with _that_ imagery when Sheldon returned a couple minutes later.

"That was quick," Leonard said. He bit his lip. "Did you…get Amy's engine running?"

Penny mouthed, _Shut it_.

"I did," Sheldon said obliviously. He went to get himself a glass of water from the kitchen.

"You didn't spill any oil, did you?" Howard called. Bernadette stepped on his foot while Leonard tried to keep from laughing.

"No, I did not," Sheldon said. "But if I had, I would have disposed of it safely and properly."

"Right," Howard said, nodding. "Good idea. Gotta keep some Kleenex handy."

Bernadette stomped harder on Howard's foot. "_Quit_ it!"

Sheldon was still in the kitchen and didn't hear her. He frowned. "_Kleenex_? Well. I suppose one shouldn't expect a man who rides a Vespa to know much about automotive repair."

"Well," Howard muttered under his breath, "I wouldn't expect a man with no genitals to know much about—_Ow_!" he yelped as Bernadette elbowed him in the ribs.

"I swear to God, Howard Wolowitz," she hissed. "You will be riding that Vespa _straight_ to your mother's house if you keep this up!"

"OK, OK! Jeez, I was just kidding."

"That's right, Bernadette, he was just kidding!" Sheldon said as he joined them in the living room. "What were you kidding about, Howard?"

"Oh, you know…Kleenex."

"Oh." Sheldon laughed in his typically strange fashion. "Good one."

"You're in a good mood," Leonard said.

"You know, Leonard, I _am_ in a good mood."

"Gee," Penny said. "It's too bad you didn't realize ten or fifteen years ago how much you liked…fixing cars."

Sheldon looked at her suspiciously. "That may be true," he said after a moment. "But I suppose I can make up for that by…fixing a lot of cars now. And, you know, when a man can…perform a service for a woman he cares about, it makes him feel…pleasantly useful."

"Oh my God," Bernadette said, misty-eyed. "That's so beautiful!"

"I've never seen anyone become so emotional over the subject of auto repair," Sheldon told her.

"Well," she said. "I take after my father that way."

A little while later, Sheldon excused himself to go to bed. When he was gone, Leonard leaned forward and said quietly, "You know, he was downstairs for a good five minutes. That's not very long to be fixing a car, but…it's a pretty long time for kissing."

"True," Howard said. "Of course, he probably spent the first three minutes disinfecting her face."

Bernadette laughed before she could stop herself. "OK," she admitted. "That was pretty good."

"Humor _is_ my way of coping with trauma."

"I guess we'll have to get used to it, right?" Leonard said. "I mean, at some point they're probably gonna start kissing in public."

"Yeah, Amy has a big plan for that," Penny said. "It involves New Year's Eve, a lot of Long Island Iced Tea, and what she described as 'a very alluring cardigan.'"

"Ah," Howard said. "And all of that is supposed to lead to Sheldon's balls finally dropping?"

"_Howard_!" the other three protested in disgust.

Sheldon called happily from his room, "Sounds like good old Howard Wolowitz is at it again!"

Penny shook her head. "Yep," she said. "That boy _really_ likes fixing cars."

END


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